Foodie Baby*

Dear imaginary advice columnist who doesn’t exist but we’re going to pretend does for comic purposes, but is really just me writing in another font,

I, like most people who invent advice columnists on their own blogs for semi-comedic effect, have a problem, and I hope that you can help me.  I have a 2-year-old who is an offensively adventurous eater.  She demands horseradish sauce with her roast beef, she enjoys spicy guacamole and Indian food, and tonight she consumed far more than her share of 3-pepper goat cheese from the Farmer’s Market and Tillamook extra-sharp cheddar cheese.  I was counting on several more years of feeding her chicken fingers and fish sticks and mozzarella string cheese.  How can I make her a pickier eater, so she leaves more of the good stuff for me?

Thanks,

Can’t Help Eager Eater Stop Eating

Dear CHEESE,

You know I’m just the other side of your internal monologue, right?  So I’m also suffering from dangerous levels of cheese deprivation.  But there are several possibly solutions to your problem.  One is to be happy that your daughter is an adventurous eater, but clearly the ship has sailed on calm and rational responses.  The second would be to accept that this small person is going to stake out a claim to the good food in the house, and eschew all supposedly toddler-friendly food.  In this case, you should just . . . you know . . . buy more cheese.  But I’m not going to come up with solutions for you, because you don’t really think that this is a problem.  You were just bragging about your daughter’s willingness to eat things, and grasping at a thin excuse to post a picture of her eating cheese.  One thing that I would worry about is that you’re raising a food snob, who already knows that she would rather fresh mozzarella and extra-sharp cheddar to string cheese and American cheese.  But you’re probably the sort of person who takes pride in that, as evidenced by this entire farrago of nonsense.

Imaginary Advice Columnist

P.S.  Please don’t write back.

*I know, I know, she’s not the baby anymore, but “foodie toddler” or “foodie big girl all by herself” just looks silly.